Tallahassee to Tax Payers...

"Tallahassee to Tax Payers: Take your money and your train… and SHOVE it!" by v. johns

Dear Whiners and Criers:

We’d like express how thrilled we are that Feds in Washington have threatened to sue us for the $256 million dollars they gave us to help improve Tri-Rail service in Palm Beach, Broward and Miami-Dade. Since SunRail didn’t pass, you can all take your money and your train… and SHOVE it!

Take THAT, South Florida! You don’t need a train. You need more highways and roads. So what if land runs out! We’ll build our roads on the beach! You can still swim under flyovers and overpasses. You just won’t get much of a tan. Take THAT you bad little school kids in Palm Beach County, taking that raggedy old train to school! Too good to walk, are ya? Take THAT Martin County! You don’t need Tri-Rail extended up to your area. You need it extended up your a… I mean… you need more homes and towns and higher taxes… and stuff. Take THAT you dirty, swarthy poor people in Palm Beach and Broward! Why would you wanna work in Miami, anyway? Why not stay home and get welfare (which we are slashing, by the way). Take THAT you idiots in Miami-Dade commuting up to Broward and Palm Beach to work! That’s what you get for not moving up that way, along with the company you work for, DUMMY! Take THAT you stuffy little nurses, bankers and tech worker types… you and your stupid laptops and smart phones! These things should be used at home or in a car, on I-95, not on a train. What the hell is Wi-Fi anyway? Take THAT you numb sculls riding the train to save money on gas! The Saudis and other hostile foreigners, that have the oil that we’re addicted to, deserve to be just as filthy rich and disgustingly wasteful as we are! It’s YOUR FAULT, environmentalists and transit riders, that gas didn’t hit $5 per gallon! Take THAT, Tri-Rail! Our ideological rigidity trumps your own feeble existence. All taxes are bad. We won’t stand for a two-dollar per day tax on car rentals. A tax for what? So you can fund your little train and secure a ton of federal dollars to match state and local investment? We’re trying to waste money and give it away to our friends! Not not put it to good use. As a matter of fact, to show you how serious we are about our “no taxes” pledge to our followers, uh, constituents, we’ve begun charging a $9 tax… I mean… a $9 fee… for a state shoreline fishing license. Guess what, Tri-Rail, your piece of that fishing license pie is zilch! Zero! Nada! Take THAT, Palm Beach Post! You can report all you want about House Speaker Larry Cretul, of Ocala, refusing to go along with wishy-washy Jeff Atwater, of North Palm Beach, calling for a special legislative session to fix Florida’s commuter rail operating problems. Who’s paying attention, anyway? Special session for what? So we can show that we’re capable of operating commuter rail systems and thereby eligible for high-speed rail start-up money from Washington? Just because we’re too dumb to properly fund and operate a commuter rail system doesn’t mean we’re not marginally smart enough to operate bullet trains in our state. As long as we don’t have to pay for it or be responsible for it, we’re game. Let’s do it! Besides, we’ve already told you people, no $1.2 billion bribe for SunRail, no $256 million stay-of-execution for Tri-Rail! We lose! You lose! So, that means we all win, right?

Anyway, eat dirt!

your pal always,

The Florida State Legislature (a.k.a. Tallahassee)

P.S. Senator Atwater is a WUSS! LOL!