Tallahassee to Washington...

"Tallahassee to Washington: Take Your 2.5 BILLION DOLLAR High-Speed Rail Stimulus Package and SHOVE It!” by v. johns

Dear Washington:

I understand that you are offering us $2.5 billion to build a Tampa-to-Orlando-to-Miami high-speed rail outfit. In addition to possibly returning the $256 million you gave us to help improve Tri-Rail, the state’s only existing commuter rail line, we’d also like to turn down your offer to jumpstart our economy with bullet train stimulus money. We’d be delighted to be passed up for jobs, industry and infrastructure that may be better put to use in states with their act together like California, Illinois and Texas. As a matter of fact, to show you how determined we are to not qualify for high-speed rail funding, we’ve screwed up our existing commuter rail line, Tri-Rail, by linking its funding to the fate of a planned project in Central Florida, called SunRail, that we’d also like to build, but not fund.

Letting Tri-Rail shut down and being sued by you guys up in Washington to get repayment on your investment in our train: $256 million dollars. Approving SunRail, and letting it flounder and sputter along, without a dedicated funding source, as well: $1.2 billion dollars. Allowing both of these potential colossal failures to get in the way of our bid for a Tampa-to-Orlando-to-Miami high-speed rail outfit, worth $2.5 billion dollars in federal investment: PRICELESS!

Just like you, Washington, we love wasting money. We feel so guilty about being a low tax state with no state income tax that we feel compelled to screw our citizens out of their hard-earned money in other more wasteful and bizarre ways! Taxing and spending? That’s soooo... Washington! No wonder the public is always pissed off with you guys! Let the local guys pick up the slack on raising taxes. They’re small-time chum anyway. You and me, we’re the REAL crooks in this caper.

How do we get away with what we do, down here in Florida? Well, they don’t call us “Flori-DUH” for nothing! You may be the big, bad federal government, but we could teach you guys a thing or two on how to tax people silly and waste their money right under their noses. We use creative little tools like hidden taxes, local tax-burden dump-offs, antiquated tax laws, corporate tax loopholes and poorly funded education and transit systems to ensure our citizens the most mediocre residential existence possible. Cool, huh?

Anyway, Washington, you can sue us for that $256 million if you want. We'll fork it up. And don't even bother considering us for $2.5 billion in high-speed rail start-up funds. That's just way too much to ask. This is Florida, mind you. We enjoy sending you guys far more money than we get back. We love subsidizing pork, pet projects and “bridges to nowhere” in other parts of the country on the backs of our own citizens. So exciting!

Don’t worry, after it’s all over, and we've shut down our existing Tri-Rail and doomed SunRail to the same fate, we’ll still be pals, Washy-boy! Just like old times… Tallahassee and Washington, gambling buddies and public-populace pimps forever! Take care, you guys! And send our love to all the cute little lobbyists hanging out up there! Your lobbyists are prettier than ours!

your pal always,

The Florida State Legislature (a.k.a. Tallahassee)

P.S. We really do want that 2.5 billion. We just want SunRail be considered as high-speed rail so you can pay for it and we get the credit. Pretty clever, huh?

Tallahassee to Tax Payers...

"Tallahassee to Tax Payers: Take your money and your train… and SHOVE it!" by v. johns

Dear Whiners and Criers:

We’d like express how thrilled we are that Feds in Washington have threatened to sue us for the $256 million dollars they gave us to help improve Tri-Rail service in Palm Beach, Broward and Miami-Dade. Since SunRail didn’t pass, you can all take your money and your train… and SHOVE it!

Take THAT, South Florida! You don’t need a train. You need more highways and roads. So what if land runs out! We’ll build our roads on the beach! You can still swim under flyovers and overpasses. You just won’t get much of a tan. Take THAT you bad little school kids in Palm Beach County, taking that raggedy old train to school! Too good to walk, are ya? Take THAT Martin County! You don’t need Tri-Rail extended up to your area. You need it extended up your a… I mean… you need more homes and towns and higher taxes… and stuff. Take THAT you dirty, swarthy poor people in Palm Beach and Broward! Why would you wanna work in Miami, anyway? Why not stay home and get welfare (which we are slashing, by the way). Take THAT you idiots in Miami-Dade commuting up to Broward and Palm Beach to work! That’s what you get for not moving up that way, along with the company you work for, DUMMY! Take THAT you stuffy little nurses, bankers and tech worker types… you and your stupid laptops and smart phones! These things should be used at home or in a car, on I-95, not on a train. What the hell is Wi-Fi anyway? Take THAT you numb sculls riding the train to save money on gas! The Saudis and other hostile foreigners, that have the oil that we’re addicted to, deserve to be just as filthy rich and disgustingly wasteful as we are! It’s YOUR FAULT, environmentalists and transit riders, that gas didn’t hit $5 per gallon! Take THAT, Tri-Rail! Our ideological rigidity trumps your own feeble existence. All taxes are bad. We won’t stand for a two-dollar per day tax on car rentals. A tax for what? So you can fund your little train and secure a ton of federal dollars to match state and local investment? We’re trying to waste money and give it away to our friends! Not not put it to good use. As a matter of fact, to show you how serious we are about our “no taxes” pledge to our followers, uh, constituents, we’ve begun charging a $9 tax… I mean… a $9 fee… for a state shoreline fishing license. Guess what, Tri-Rail, your piece of that fishing license pie is zilch! Zero! Nada! Take THAT, Palm Beach Post! You can report all you want about House Speaker Larry Cretul, of Ocala, refusing to go along with wishy-washy Jeff Atwater, of North Palm Beach, calling for a special legislative session to fix Florida’s commuter rail operating problems. Who’s paying attention, anyway? Special session for what? So we can show that we’re capable of operating commuter rail systems and thereby eligible for high-speed rail start-up money from Washington? Just because we’re too dumb to properly fund and operate a commuter rail system doesn’t mean we’re not marginally smart enough to operate bullet trains in our state. As long as we don’t have to pay for it or be responsible for it, we’re game. Let’s do it! Besides, we’ve already told you people, no $1.2 billion bribe for SunRail, no $256 million stay-of-execution for Tri-Rail! We lose! You lose! So, that means we all win, right?

Anyway, eat dirt!

your pal always,

The Florida State Legislature (a.k.a. Tallahassee)

P.S. Senator Atwater is a WUSS! LOL!