Tallahassee to Washington...

"Tallahassee to Washington: Take Your 2.5 BILLION DOLLAR High-Speed Rail Stimulus Package and SHOVE It!” by v. johns

Dear Washington:

I understand that you are offering us $2.5 billion to build a Tampa-to-Orlando-to-Miami high-speed rail outfit. In addition to possibly returning the $256 million you gave us to help improve Tri-Rail, the state’s only existing commuter rail line, we’d also like to turn down your offer to jumpstart our economy with bullet train stimulus money. We’d be delighted to be passed up for jobs, industry and infrastructure that may be better put to use in states with their act together like California, Illinois and Texas. As a matter of fact, to show you how determined we are to not qualify for high-speed rail funding, we’ve screwed up our existing commuter rail line, Tri-Rail, by linking its funding to the fate of a planned project in Central Florida, called SunRail, that we’d also like to build, but not fund.

Letting Tri-Rail shut down and being sued by you guys up in Washington to get repayment on your investment in our train: $256 million dollars. Approving SunRail, and letting it flounder and sputter along, without a dedicated funding source, as well: $1.2 billion dollars. Allowing both of these potential colossal failures to get in the way of our bid for a Tampa-to-Orlando-to-Miami high-speed rail outfit, worth $2.5 billion dollars in federal investment: PRICELESS!

Just like you, Washington, we love wasting money. We feel so guilty about being a low tax state with no state income tax that we feel compelled to screw our citizens out of their hard-earned money in other more wasteful and bizarre ways! Taxing and spending? That’s soooo... Washington! No wonder the public is always pissed off with you guys! Let the local guys pick up the slack on raising taxes. They’re small-time chum anyway. You and me, we’re the REAL crooks in this caper.

How do we get away with what we do, down here in Florida? Well, they don’t call us “Flori-DUH” for nothing! You may be the big, bad federal government, but we could teach you guys a thing or two on how to tax people silly and waste their money right under their noses. We use creative little tools like hidden taxes, local tax-burden dump-offs, antiquated tax laws, corporate tax loopholes and poorly funded education and transit systems to ensure our citizens the most mediocre residential existence possible. Cool, huh?

Anyway, Washington, you can sue us for that $256 million if you want. We'll fork it up. And don't even bother considering us for $2.5 billion in high-speed rail start-up funds. That's just way too much to ask. This is Florida, mind you. We enjoy sending you guys far more money than we get back. We love subsidizing pork, pet projects and “bridges to nowhere” in other parts of the country on the backs of our own citizens. So exciting!

Don’t worry, after it’s all over, and we've shut down our existing Tri-Rail and doomed SunRail to the same fate, we’ll still be pals, Washy-boy! Just like old times… Tallahassee and Washington, gambling buddies and public-populace pimps forever! Take care, you guys! And send our love to all the cute little lobbyists hanging out up there! Your lobbyists are prettier than ours!

your pal always,

The Florida State Legislature (a.k.a. Tallahassee)

P.S. We really do want that 2.5 billion. We just want SunRail be considered as high-speed rail so you can pay for it and we get the credit. Pretty clever, huh?